I still had more worth to hold.
More self love to feel.
I believed that my cup was full
That I reached a place of true love.
Unconditional love for myself.
I believed I tended to all my past wounds.
I believed I was ready.
I always knew that once I did the inner work and
loved myself completely that I would find my soul connection.
My soul love.
Little did I know that he was my last test of unconditional love.
Our love and connection was immediate.
Almost lightening speed.
We grew and then one day I cracked.
I cracked my beautiful cup once again.
Looking back it was a soul test.
It was as though my old ego was on her last rampage
throwing every last wound on the table.
Determined that this cannot be true.
There can be no love inside of hate.
No happiness within these scars.
My disgruntled ego took us both for a ride.
I struggled.
Wanting desperately to take my wounded ego down.
My old pattern of self abandonment and self loathing stood its ground.
He loved me anyways.
My old pattern of self sabotage and deflecting the good around me crept back in.
He loved me anyways.
My pattern of depression and negativity.
He loved me anyways.
My old pattern of protective walls and the classic silence treatment.
He loved me anyways.
Every day he would remind me of what is here, in the present.
Remind me of what is truly important.
He would softly remind me of my beauty and my soft heart.
Remind me that I am not my past.
Every day his love for him, me and us was the same.
Despite what inner drama I would play into.
Despite the on again and off again appearance of my deepest wounds.
He would see me, listen and still love me.
My hardened beliefs about my dark side felt like they were fighting for their lives.
It felt like a constant battle between light and dark.
My soul waited.
And waited some more.
My heart stayed open, even if it was just a crack.
My mind raced and my body felt withered.
When all of my fight was gone ..... the space for truth opened.
My deepest fear
The burning question I've been too scared to ask
..... 'what if I do not deserve love'.
What if this love is too good for me?
You see.
I was always told that bad things happen to bad people.
I wish I was told that sometimes bad things happen to innocent girls.
This last battle had its way with me.
Had its way with my fight, my dark and my light.
Thankfully, it did not come close to our love.
It did not come close to my love.
The love that I am, despite everything and anything I've been told.
Thankfully, I can see our love, my love and his love.
I can see that he fell in love with my light
and no amount of darkness would send him away.
The beauty in us is that he doesn’t even know my past.
The beauty is that we love each other with the innocence of our hearts
and the fullness of our souls.
The beauty is that love always wins.
Sometimes you just need to wait out the darker storms and come back to love.