Ange Arbuckle

dark treasures

Sat, 31 Aug 2019 12:10:24 -0700

My mind wants to call this a U turn.

Except my heart whispers that it cannot go back and re-live that old story.

So, here I am.

I can feel my own 'reset button' breathing down my neck.

Urging me to push.

Urging me to take the necessary journey....inwards.

Urging me to stay with every feeling I've been trained to run from.

To just stay.

To know that I've come too far to repeat old stories.

Too far to stop growing.

And once again.

I ask.

Am I made for this?

Am I strong enough to fully journey inwards and touch down on this 'reset'?

I know my protective walls all too well.

The kicking and the screaming.

I have experienced bits and pieces of my puzzle over the years.

Seeing possibly how everything could connect

Seeing.....

but never fully touching.

Never quite connecting the wholeness of my own puzzle.

Of me.

Funny how we can feel our own acceleration in the midst of our biggest questions.

Accelerating into what I already know.

What I've always known, but couldn't yet live.

Until now.

I am the only one who can push this reset.

The comfort in that old story is outdated.

I know this reset is designed for a new level of comfort.

Comfort in the unimaginable.

Comfort as creator

Comfort in FULL magic.

Comfort in the lightness of my being.

Now, my mind begs me to turn around and to stop.

Haven't you done enough and inner work? Can't you just be happy with this?

The terror of what I might discover.

My fear is burning hotter than any hell I've imagined.

I can feel this small truth of terror rising inside of me.

Like some ignited spark gone...Read More

Pockets of shame

Sun, 09 Jun 2019 11:54:48 -0700

This about one of those moments that seem small and insignificant and yet stay with you for decades. Looking back, it was equally about what was said and spefically who said it. That person you respect, admire and cherish. That person in whom you absolutely adore and love to be near simply because it feels good....until it didn’t.

It was a pile of shitty comments that halted me to my core and left me feeling small. A moment of complete shame for being who I am.... for being passionate.

It was a party setting. Alcohol and laughter. Debate and gossip. Real ness and facade. Everyone who meant anything to me was present. Somehow the conversation went though it’s own u turn and suddenly everyone commenting and sharing insight. I was known to speak my truth and was full of passion with a touch of wisdom. The topic was 'why do women stay in abusive relationships'. My fire became ignited when the comments were targeted to blaming women for being weak. What no one knew was that I was speaking from experience and had afterwards studied the psychology of abusers ...plus I had years of personal therapy. Looking back, it was the clearly the wrong audience and bad timing.

At that time and in that moment nothing I had to say was welcomed. In fact it was belittled, humiliated and made a mockery. The last words I recall from her spiel was “for fuck sakes Ange, why do you have to be so deep? Can’t you just keep it light" ...and “Did you ever think that maybe some of us don’t like all of your psychology and spiritual bull-shit.”

This one shitty moment left a huge impact.

First, I slowly began to disassociate from those I loved. I decided that one voice represented the voice of everyone. Decided that if I couldn’t t be me, I would rather be alone. That one evening continued to chatter in my head over and over again and basically ever since.

That moment whispered whenever I...Read More

Hurt

Sun, 05 May 2019 15:15:03 -0700

My greatest hope is that when you speak of me - you speak to the woman

who mothered your three sons.

And not just the woman who left you.

My hope is that you realize that your words of me will not shape their minds of who I am.

Rather, it shapes how they will speak of and treat every woman who enters their lives.

They watch, listen and repeat.

My greatest hope is that the man in their lives will teach them how to

be in their sorrow and to start over again.

That they learn how to be with their pain and not just transfer it onto another.

That they learn how to love and accept ALL of themselves and to not just

skim past the parts they do not want to feel.

My hope is that they learn to pause and look back to reflect so

that they can SEE what they brought to the picture of life.

My hope is that you teach them to love by showing them how you love yourself.

That you teach them respect by how you respect yourself.

That you teach them worth by how much you value yourself.

That you teach them to be present with themselves and another.

My greatest hope is that the boys you are raising can love, respect, value and

act worthy of the life that they are here to live.

And that when they are ready... they will one day share that with another.

My greatest hope is that our sons come to know that they will never "own another".

But what they can own are the feelings and emotions inside of them.

They can own the vibes they emit out into this world.

That what they can truly own and value already lives inside of them.

I dream that they will remember the magic they were born with.

My ultimate hope is that we both reach this place.

A place where we can let go of our blame game and see a larger...Read More

hide and seek

Tue, 16 Apr 2019 12:16:57 -0700

I used to play hide and seek.

Hiding my secrets.

My troubles and even my truth.

Hiding everything that did not feel safe to feel or express.

And then seeking whenever I needed to feel whole again.

Seeking to feel good again.

Seeking to feel like my own self again.

Always chasing the parts that felt avoid.

This game enabled me to feel lost.

Lost in the cycle of hiding and then seeking.

Some days I felt like worlds apart.

Galaxies apart.

Pieces of me scattered everywhere.

Pieces buried so deep that I didn't know where to begin.

It took my world falling apart to see this deadly game.

The game that tortures the mind and hardens the soul.

To see the cycle for what it is.

To see the dysfunction of repressing my truth.

The dysfunction of always feeling lost and broken.

It took a moment of not wanting to live.

A moment to realize that

I do not want to die, but the way I've been living needs to die.

The way I have been hiding needs to die.

It takes whatever it takes to let our toxic cycles die.

Lately my pieces have been a breathe apart.

Coming together from all corners of my depth.

I realize that game was taught....was modeled and what I knew.

Realized that all of my answers, all of my pieces, and ALL of me resides within.

My life looks different, feels different and is different.

Nothing is the same.

It took a willingness to see and a

commitment to change to be standing on the other side.

So.

These days I do not hide....I open.

I speak.

Mostly though, I feel my truth in the moment.

I give my truth the space it deserves.

The voice it...Read More

A soul love

Tue, 09 Apr 2019 20:35:23 -0700

I still had more worth to hold.

More self love to feel.

I believed that my cup was full

That I reached a place of true love.

Unconditional love for myself.

I believed I tended to all my past wounds.

I believed I was ready.

I always knew that once I did the inner work and

loved myself completely that I would find my soul connection.

My soul love.

Little did I know that he was my last test of unconditional love.

Our love and connection was immediate.

Almost lightening speed.

We grew and then one day I cracked.

I cracked my beautiful cup once again.

Looking back it was a soul test.

It was as though my old ego was on her last rampage

throwing every last wound on the table.

Determined that this cannot be true.

There can be no love inside of hate.

No happiness within these scars.

My disgruntled ego took us both for a ride.

I struggled.

Wanting desperately to take my wounded ego down.

My old pattern of self abandonment and self loathing stood its ground.

He loved me anyways.

My old pattern of self sabotage and deflecting the good around me crept back in.

He loved me anyways.

My pattern of depression and negativity.

He loved me anyways.

My old pattern of protective walls and the classic silence treatment.

He loved me anyways.

Every day he would remind me of what is here, in the present.

Remind me of what is truly important.

He would softly remind me of my beauty and my soft heart.

Remind me that I am not my past.

Every day his love for him, me and us was the same.

Despite what inner drama I would play into.

Despite the on again and off again appearance of my deepest wounds.

He would see me, listen and still love...Read More

Breathing life into her existence

Thu, 21 Mar 2019 11:37:25 -0700

This.
This is what I would tell my younger self.
I would tell her to spend LESS time trying to understand and more time feeling.
That Trying to understand dysfunction is like trying to navigate a tsunami.
The way through the pattern of dysfunction is to feel.
To let go of your routine and distractions and dwell among your soul.
Dwell in the uncertainty and discomfort.
Allow the agitation to bring you tears.
Allow your anger to reveal your deepest truth.

Allow your mind to settle and your walls to soften.

I would tell her that resistence is NOT her friend.

The moment we think we let go... be prepared for fear.

I would tell her that fear will come, it always does.

It will steel her breathe and she will panic herself into the future.
Fear will grab her mind and send it racing.
Telling her of everything she shouldn’t do.
It will make up stories ...far worse than she can imagine.
Fear will send her back into comfort.
Back into the dysfunction.

Back into the old and toxic ways.
Fear will Tell her that playing small is always safe.

And Right here, when this happens.
I would tell her to lean in and pause.
I would tell her to inhale deeply all the way to the base of her spine.
Breathe slow and deep....again and again.
Breathe and be right here, right now.
I would tell her that breathing will bring her back into this very moment.
The one that is right here.
The moment that is calm and where SHE is breathing life back into her body.
Breathing Life into her very existence.
And this moment right here -is where she should always choose from.
Always.

I would tell her to Pause and breathe and then tell fear to go fuck itself.
Fear will keep you small
and my dear sweet goddess.
You are anything but small.

One last thing.

I would tell her to feel it...Read More

Another way

Sat, 16 Feb 2019 11:58:59 -0800

I ran her into the ground.

I was this wired way.

It was all that I’ve known.

Worn.

Not sleeping.

Not listening.

Not loving.

Not stopping.

Not even noticing that I was barely breathing.

As she hit the ground I heard her soft cry.

Reminding me that there is another way.

That these guards and tactics were old.

Once necessary, but oh so old.

She reminded me that although she carried an infinite love for

my body and my soul, that one day I will need to re-connect.

She could not continue to revive me.

Picking me back up after every fall.

She begged me to not make her scream.

Begged me to listen.

To let go of these destructive ways.

We both knew.

We knew all along that there was another way.

We knew the time has come to choose a different path.

We knew this time wouldn't "be" different,

we knew this time would make a difference.

One woman at a time

Honoring

Listening

Loving

And cherishing the sacred gift of our divine feminine.

Embodying our love from head to soul.

the pause

Sat, 16 Feb 2019 11:47:15 -0800

I lost count.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve told myself “next time “.

How many times I’ve pushed myself through.

Pushed myself to “make it through” another day.

How many times I ignored my aching muscles and worried mind.

I lost count of just how long I’ve been ignoring my body and neglecting my soul.

I tell myself I ‘do this’ for everyone I love.

I tell myself that next time -I will rest.

That if I get through this week, I will be OK.

I lost count of the hurdles, the bumps and the detours.

And in the midst of another week and some random day, I can hear my soul whisper.

There really is another way.

I can see that I’ve been “counting “when I should’ve been listening.

The counting pushes me to the future… Listening allows me to be here.

Listening invites the pause.

And in the pause lives everything.

~ Ange Arbuckle

More to hold

Mon, 04 Feb 2019 14:30:22 -0800

And still, after all of this time, I had more worth to hold.

More self love to feel.

I believed that my cup was full

that I reached a place of true love.

Unconditional love for myself.

I believed I tended to all my past wounds.

I believed I was ready.

I always knew that once I did my work and loved myself completely- one day I would find my soul connection.

My soul love.

Little did I know that he was my last mirror of true unconditional love.

Our love and connection was immediate.

Almost lightening speed.

We grew and then one day I cracked.

I cracked my beautiful cup once again.

Looking back it was like a soul test.

My old pattern of self abandonment for attention stood its ground.

He loved me anyways.

My old pattern of self sabotage and deflecting the good around me crept back in.

He loved me anyways.

My pattern of depression and negativity.

He loved me anyways.

My old pattern of walls and the classic silent treatment.

He loved me anyways.

It was as though my old ego was on her last rampage and throwing every last wound on the table.

Determined that this cannot be true.

There can be no love inside of hate.

No happiness within these scars.

My disgruntled ego took us both for a ride.

I struggled.

Wanting desperately to take her down.

Every day he would remind me of what is here, in the present.

Remind me of what is truly important.

He would remind me of my beauty and my soft heart.

Every day his love for him, me and us was the same.

Conditions did not exist.

Despite what outside drama I would play into.

Despite the on again and off again appearance of my deepest wounds.

He would see me, listen and still love me.

My hardened stories about my dark side felt like they were fighting for their lives.

Feeling like a...Read More

Here to stay

Tue, 18 Sep 2018 22:11:58 -0700

I could feel the love of a life time.

As it was suddenly over...all that I could feel was the pain of my lifetime.

So much that I could barely navigate.

Could barely function

And that's when it all hit me.

This was never about another

This was never about the beautiful moments

This was much more than long kisses and sensual showers

This love and this pain was me

All of me.

Invited by another soul and felt to the core of my being.

This was the me that I've been scared to feel.

Scared to know

Scared to touch and terrified to loose.

Amidst my tears and heart ache... this is what I know to be true.

I know that I am coming more alive than ever before.

More alive moment by moment.

I know this pain and I know this love.

And that's when ALL of this made sense.

You were never meant to stay.

You were here to open a part of my soul.

And my soul....

well, that is the only part that is meant to stay.