This about one of those moments that seem small and insignificant and yet stay with you for decades. Looking back, it was equally about what was said and spefically who said it. That person you respect, admire and cherish. That person in whom you absolutely adore and love to be near simply because it feels good....until it didn’t.
It was a pile of shitty comments that halted me to my core and left me feeling small. A moment of complete shame for being who I am.... for being passionate.
It was a party setting. Alcohol and laughter. Debate and gossip. Real ness and facade. Everyone who meant anything to me was present. Somehow the conversation went though it’s own u turn and suddenly everyone commenting and sharing insight. I was known to speak my truth and was full of passion with a touch of wisdom. The topic was 'why do women stay in abusive relationships'. My fire became ignited when the comments were targeted to blaming women for being weak. What no one knew was that I was speaking from experience and had afterwards studied the psychology of abusers ...plus I had years of personal therapy. Looking back, it was the clearly the wrong audience and bad timing.
At that time and in that moment nothing I had to say was welcomed. In fact it was belittled, humiliated and made a mockery. The last words I recall from her spiel was “for fuck sakes Ange, why do you have to be so deep? Can’t you just keep it light" ...and “Did you ever think that maybe some of us don’t like all of your psychology and spiritual bull-shit.”
This one shitty moment left a huge impact.
First, I slowly began to disassociate from those I loved. I decided that one voice represented the voice of everyone. Decided that if I couldn’t t be me, I would rather be alone. That one evening continued to chatter in my head over and over again and basically ever since.
That moment whispered whenever I wanted to share photos of my life adventures. That moment reappears when I offer retreats and coach clients. That moment screams when I began to share my written words and poems from my heart.
This one moment had me playing small. I have self regulated my expression to the point of OFTEN believing that NO ONE wants to hear what I have to say. I have spent an insurmountable amount of energy wishing that I didn’t “have to be so deep and spiritual and that I could be just light and fluffy”. It amazes me still, of how we another's fear and harsh opinion left such a heavy in-print. Like a negative virus that we pick up and then carry inside of us.
But here’s the thing.
I have since understood the why of this scenario. I understand that my words were a trigger to possibly a buried truth. I understand that some people truly want to keep their illusions and that is ok. They want everything to remain in tact and resist all new thoughts and therefore attack as a way to protect. I understand that fear and denial often mask our untouched truths that live “deep” inside.
Once upon a time, I spent my life covered in secrets. Carrying the dead weight of unprocessed experiences and dark pockets of shame. That night at the party was an experience where I was testing the waters of 'can I be myself' everywhere and with everyone? I was eight years into my healing journey and desperately wanted my close friends and family to REALLY know who I am....on the inside. I also wanted those I loved to know that they too can heal! I was sharing because I was passionate about changing the lens in which they viewed abuse and women.
BUT. The real truth is that if I didn't already carry my own shame inside, then, THAT ONE MOMENT would not have triggered me so deeply. In many ways, that moment was a gift and overtime I have been frequently testing the waters of NO one wants to hear what I have to say!!!
Sixteen years later.
My truth is that it took some unbelievably dark moments of attempting to die (unrelated to that event and is another story) to see JUST how much I want to live. It took the realness of death to let go and open my own suitcase of secrets. To look into the pockets of shame I have long carried.
This way of living continues to keep giving me life and the freedom to honor who I really am....on the inside.
The truth is that I want to live so much that I have made it my life’s mission to help others do the same.
The truth is that everyone of us carries secrets. Some of us have secrets buried so deep that we need to relearn the way to retrieve them. Some secrets are small and some are big.
This all being said I would like to introduce myself.
Hi, I'm Ange. I am deep and full of soul. I love meaningful conversations and light up in the messiness of raw truth coming to the light of day. I believe we can grow and change as often as we wish. I believe our truth uncovered is the freedom we secretly crave. I believe we evolve. But mostly, I believe if we are not growing, then we are slowly dying.
So. for the past 26 years I choose to grow!