I have been leading with my anger.
Guarded and confronting every story...every creation.
Believing that I am seething towards you.
Wanting to HATE you.
As I look for this final string.
This 'hold' that keeps looping me back here.
It is NOT you.
All along it is me.
And that 'string' is really a layer.
A layer of protection coated with rage to cover ALL of this hurt.
To cover the sadness and deep shame that is mine.
All along I've been secretly punishing myself for leading my soul astray.
I've been furious to admit that I allowed my soul to be used.
Furious that I stood by as another manipulated and used me.
Furious that I have let this happen once again.
And through this stream of tears...I can see
that my soul was never fully astray.
It was simply waiting for ME to live freedom.
~ Ange Arbuckle